Random Unrelated Image: Unfortunate

Alternative Title: News That I Wish I Could Be Reading

Bush is planning on being the new spokesperson for "MAD" magazine.

America shocked after Bush resigns as U.S. President
Monday, August 18, 2008

WASHINGTON D.C. — U.S. President, George W. Bush resigned from his office on Monday, revealing in the press conference, “Im sick of this job. Heck, Im not all that good nohow so somebody better qualified should take my place. I just cant handle another four years of this shit.”

Bush also added, “I’ve got boatloads of cash stashed away in different bank accounts. I don’t really need to work for a livin’. I was just doing a favor to [President George Bush senior] who kinda wanted me to follow in his footsteps. I really wasn’t hoping for no reelection.”

When asked what he thought of Vice President Dick Cheney taking over as President, Bush replied, “I don’t really care what happens now. It can be anyone as long as it ain’t no woman or queer.”

Many Americans are shocked and appalled, especially Republican supporters. “This is a horrible blow to the country and its people. The Watergate scandal and Nixon’s subsequent impeachment were minor compared to this embarrassing disaster,” stated Republican Senator James Bundy from Kentucky.

Bush leaves in his wake a national debt of five and three quarters trillion dollars and an ongoing war with Iraq.

Democratic Senator Diane Fox from California said, “It’s about time. He’s done enough damage to America’s economy. It’s time we repaired severed international alliances and worked on rebuilding and stabilizing our economy.”

Dick Cheney suffered a heart attack when he heard the news and is now recovering in hospital.

Wait 'till you see what else this guitar is used for.

Mellisa Etheridge sex tapes found
Monday, August 18, 2008

The shocking video of Melissa Etheridge and Ellen Degeneres has been leaked to the public. Sections of the video reportedly show Ms. Etheridge sniffing Ms. Degeneres tampon…and throwing up.

Friends of the singer have jumped to her defense.

“I’ve done worse things to a goat,” spouted RuPaul, “and that was with my fist. This is really a non-story.”

Other victims of stolen sex videos commented yesterday.

“That’s not hot” claimed Paris Hilton “I hate those dykes… This is off the record, right?”

Tommy Lee states “The strap on Ellen takes puts my meat to shame.”

Copies of the DVD have been popping up in adult video stores across the country. So far sales have been low. But that doesn’t hamper the spirits of the pornography peddlers.

“So far, we’ve only sold one, and that was to the Department of Agriculture for research, but we think it’s a hot item. Just look at what it did for that Hilton slut.” Say’s one video store owner, while another one gives less than rave reviews,

“I’d shoot anyone in the face who asked me if I carry that video. That’s disgusting.”

The tentative name for the DVD is “Gorillas and the Fist.”

I know that was a little stronger stuff than what I usually post, but sometimes I just gotta get it out, man.