Posts Tagged “Point Of No Return”

WTF?!?! I’m sitting here minding my own business. I take a brief sip of water and instead of drinking it I breathed it in. The ensuing events can only be described as absolutely horrific.

Not wanting to spew water and saliva all over my monitor and keyboard, I “wisely” stifled the initial cough only to discover my mistake too late. That initial cough would surely have freed me from the inevitable catastrophe that was to follow. I started coughing uncontrollably, and then the wretching started, followed by more uncontrollable coughing…deep coughing, like into your small intestine coughing.

As I realized that I was passed the point of no return, I turned away from the computer. I could only think of the pizza I had eaten, and how it closely resembled a teen acne treatment gone bad. At that point, the pizza I had for dinner made a round trip from my stomach into my mouth and back…delightful. The best part is that not all of it made it back down. I had a decision to make and not a lot of time to make it…spit the chunks on the floor or swallow them back down after collecting them one at a time with my tongue. I chose the latter. Not even Chef Boyardee can make a pizza that tastes good twice…I’m here to testify.

Tags: Catastrophe, Chef Boyardee, Chunks, Cough, Discover, Frozen Pizza, Keyboard, Lot, Mistake, Own Business, Point Of No Return, Saliva, Sip, Small Intestine, Stomach, Tongue, Uncontrollable Coughing, Wretching

And I mean really fell down. Hard. Like, throwing all your worldly possessions into the wind to catch yourself as you fall, leaving a debris field behind you as you lean forward with ever increasing flat footed heavy steps only to lean forward far enough to get to the point of no return and crash. Yea, that hard.

For me, it was about a year ago. A buddy of mine was at my house. He had come over to show me the new car he had bought. Not a “NEW” car in the common sense of the word, but new to him. It was a Ford Festiva (yea, it’s and oldie), and it was a stick shift. He had plans of making some sort of Redneck hump jumping, trail riding, mud skipping go cart out of it.

I walked him out to his car as he was leaving. He got in, and turned the key when I heard that all too familiar GGRRRIIINNDDDD noise coming from under the hood. Dead Battery. I thought about grabbing some jumper cables and hooking them up real quick to get him on his way, but then thought out loud, “Nah, I’ll just push you. Once I get you rolling, dump the clutch and it will start right up.”

I was leaned forward pretty far with my hands on the back hatch, but my driveway is on a slight slope, and it was a Ford Festiva that I was pushing, (Hell, I probably weighed more than the car did) so I had no problem getting him rolling.

He dumped the clutch a lot sooner than I expected. And he floored it. The object that I was holding on to (while I was leaning very far forward) shot out in front of me like it was in a competition to make it on the next “The Fast and The Furious” movie.

My feet immediately began slamming the asphalt with big flat footed “plops” as my body tried feverishly to catch up to its own center of gravity while my arms pinwheeled out of control.

Have you ever seen a race car go into a long skid, then suddenly start flipping end over end and coming apart? That was me.

I skidded and tumbled, eventually coming to rest on my back. My worldly possessions were scattered behind, beside and beyond me. My phone was out in front of me, my jacket was behind me, and my underwear lay beside me, whimpering.

My dignity was gone, and my friend had sped around the curve without even a glance back at the carnage that lay in his wake. I was all alone. Bruised and battered, I made my way back to the house where I soaked in a hot salt bath for hours.

So what about you? When was the last time you fell down?

Tags: Asphalt, Center Of Gravity, Clutch, common sense, Dead Battery, Debris Field, Ford Festiva, Hatch, Hump, Jumper Cables, Mud, New Car, Oldie, Plops, Point Of No Return, Possesions, Race Car, Redneck, Slope, Stick Shift, Worldly Possessions

Random Unrelated Image: Hillbilly Vibrator (possibly NSFW)

I have been clamoring for a new blog design for quite some time now, but every time I get right to the point of no return, I back out. I have been with this current design going on two years now, and it is starting to get a little stale. I began working on a custom design, and fired off an email to my good buddy Canucklehead to ask him if he could help me out with a good tagline that would appear in the header.

He asked me why I was changing it, and I told him, and he convinced me that it probably wasn’t a good idea.

But I have to do something, I thought. It just the same ol’, same ol’, day in and day out.

He proceeded to send me a couple of taglines anyway, and I thought of an idea. Why not use the same header image with rotating taglines? I requested a few more taglines from him, and well, he did not disappoint, as I knew he wouldn’t. He has a knack for this kind of shit.

Anyway, if you scroll back up to the top of the page, and hit the refresh button on your browser, you will notice that the tag line changes with each refresh. Pretty fuckin’ cool, eh?

These are the current taglines in rotation:

• Putting the ‘ill’ in hillbilly.
• This blog runs on moonshine.
• Red neck, White lies, Blue collar.
• Coal mining and moon shining!
• Making Molehills out of Mountaineers since 1979.
• West Virginia: One Big Happy Family … Literally!

And of course the classic one that has been up there for a while: If you have ever stopped by my house, you came on purpose, because I live on the way to nowhere.

Now that is a great start, but I need some more. So if any of you are feeling creative today, just leave a little tagline in the comments section, and if I like it, I will put it into rotation, and you will get a link to your blog in my footer. Such as Canucklehead has.

So get to it. Come up with a good HillBilly / Hick / Redneck / West Virginia tagline. Let’s see what ya got.

Tags: Array, Blue Moon, Coal Mining, Comments Section, Current Design, Email, Footer, Good Buddy, Happy Family, Header Image, Hick, Hillbilly, Knack, Line Changes, Moon, Mountaineers, Point Of No Return, Quite Some Time, Red Neck, Redneck, Tag Line, Tagline, Taglines, West Virginia