Posts Tagged “News”

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Alternative Title: News That I Wish I Could Be Reading

Bush is planning on being the new spokesperson for "MAD" magazine.

America shocked after Bush resigns as U.S. President
Monday, August 18, 2008

WASHINGTON D.C. — U.S. President, George W. Bush resigned from his office on Monday, revealing in the press conference, “Im sick of this job. Heck, Im not all that good nohow so somebody better qualified should take my place. I just cant handle another four years of this shit.”

Bush also added, “I’ve got boatloads of cash stashed away in different bank accounts. I don’t really need to work for a livin’. I was just doing a favor to [President George Bush senior] who kinda wanted me to follow in his footsteps. I really wasn’t hoping for no reelection.”

When asked what he thought of Vice President Dick Cheney taking over as President, Bush replied, “I don’t really care what happens now. It can be anyone as long as it ain’t no woman or queer.”

Many Americans are shocked and appalled, especially Republican supporters. “This is a horrible blow to the country and its people. The Watergate scandal and Nixon’s subsequent impeachment were minor compared to this embarrassing disaster,” stated Republican Senator James Bundy from Kentucky.

Bush leaves in his wake a national debt of five and three quarters trillion dollars and an ongoing war with Iraq.

Democratic Senator Diane Fox from California said, “It’s about time. He’s done enough damage to America’s economy. It’s time we repaired severed international alliances and worked on rebuilding and stabilizing our economy.”

Dick Cheney suffered a heart attack when he heard the news and is now recovering in hospital.

Wait 'till you see what else this guitar is used for.

Mellisa Etheridge sex tapes found
Monday, August 18, 2008

The shocking video of Melissa Etheridge and Ellen Degeneres has been leaked to the public. Sections of the video reportedly show Ms. Etheridge sniffing Ms. Degeneres tampon…and throwing up.

Friends of the singer have jumped to her defense.

“I’ve done worse things to a goat,” spouted RuPaul, “and that was with my fist. This is really a non-story.”

Other victims of stolen sex videos commented yesterday.

“That’s not hot” claimed Paris Hilton “I hate those dykes… This is off the record, right?”

Tommy Lee states “The strap on Ellen takes puts my meat to shame.”

Copies of the DVD have been popping up in adult video stores across the country. So far sales have been low. But that doesn’t hamper the spirits of the pornography peddlers.

“So far, we’ve only sold one, and that was to the Department of Agriculture for research, but we think it’s a hot item. Just look at what it did for that Hilton slut.” Say’s one video store owner, while another one gives less than rave reviews,

“I’d shoot anyone in the face who asked me if I carry that video. That’s disgusting.”

The tentative name for the DVD is “Gorillas and the Fist.”

I know that was a little stronger stuff than what I usually post, but sometimes I just gotta get it out, man.

Tags: Democratic Senator, Diane Fox, Dick Cheney, Fake News, George Bush, George Bush Senior, George W Bush, International Alliances, Mellisa Etheridge, News, President Bush, President Dick Cheney, President George Bush, President George W Bush, Republican Senator, Republican Supporters, Senator James, Sex Tapes, Three Quarters, Vice President Dick Cheney, Watergate Scandal

Michael Kelly was the first American journalist to die in the war, had also served as editor of the New Republic and National Journal and as Washington editor of the New Yorker. This is my favorite column from Mr. Kelly:

The Washington Post
May 31, 2000, Wednesday, Final Edition

Author: Michael Kelly

“Carry me. Please, carry me. Please, carry me. I really need you to carry me. My legs are very tired. Just a little bit, okay? No, not that way. Shoulders, carry on shoulders. Okay, I’ll hold your hair, and I’ll pull it this way when you should go this way and that way when you should go that way. Right?

“It’s very muddy. Why is it muddy? What makes mud? It’s very slippery, right? Why is mud slippery? When sand gets wet it’s not slippery, right? Why isn’t sand slippery? If it rains some more, there will be more mud, right? Will there be a tornado? If there is a tornado, we will go in the basement, right? Because in a tornado, you go in the basement, right? Why aren’t there tornadoes here? There are some tornadoes here, right? One or two, probably. If there is a tornado while we are walking, we’ll go home and go in the basement, right?

“Can I walk in the mud? This mud is making my boots muddy. It’s good that we’re wearing boots, right? All men wear boots, right? Some ladies wear boots too, right? If there is a tornado, you should always wear boots, right? You should wear boots and go in your basement. Can I walk in the water? Are there fish in this water? Where are the fish? Why can’t you see the fish? Are there frogs in this water? Where are the frogs? Are the fish and the frogs hiding? We’ll throw rocks in the water and that will make the fish and the frogs come up, right? Can I walk on this rock? Why are there rocks in this water? Why is this rock flat and the other rock not flat? I’m just going to put my feet in the water a little bit, okay? My boots fell off. Can you get my boots? Get my boots, please. See, one is over there and one is over there. Don’t go in the water? Why did you go in the water? Your legs are wet, did you notice? It’s good that you got my boots, right? Shoulders, please.

“This hill is very hard to go up, right? Why do people pick up dog poop and not horse poop? Why are horses bigger than dogs? Why is there a fence here? Why is there a tractor here? Why did somebody leave the tractor here? Why is the tractor broken? Why doesn’t somebody fix the tractor? Somebody should fix the tractor, right? Probably somebody will come and fix the tractor tomorrow, right? Why don’t we have a tractor? Probably we used to have a tractor, right? When we move to Boston we will get a tractor, right? Why won’t we get a tractor? We should get a tractor. I really need a tractor.

“Why is it raining now? I need my umbrella. Will you go back to the house and get my umbrella? I’ll wait here. You bring my umbrella here. Please. I said please. Why won’t you go back to the house and get my umbrella? I really need my umbrella. Is this a tornado? Probably this is a tornado, right? We better go back to the house and get in the basement. You should run. Why can’t you run with me on your shoulders? I’m very heavy, right?

“It stopped. The rain stopped. Why does it rain and then it stops? Now, it’s even more slippery, right? It’s very hot now, isn’t it? I don’t want to go back anymore. Let’s go this way. I said, go this way, horsey. Why does it hurt when I pull your hair? Okay, I’ll only pull it a little bit, okay? This hill is very hard to go down, right? Don’t fall. Why did you fall? Where are your glasses? Why are they broken? Why did you step on them? You should not have stepped on them, right? It’s okay. Probably we can get some glue and fix them, right? You have a hole in your pants, did you notice that? Probably you made a hole in your pants when you fell down, right? You should not have fallen down, right?

“I don’t want to go home. Why do you want to go home? It’s not raining anymore, so we don’t have to go home. Anyway, they don’t have tornadoes here, right? No, I don’t want to go home. I really need to walk some more. Let’s go just a little more. Okay?”

Michael Kelly is the editor in chief of National Journal.

Walking in the woods with a 4 year old would be quite an interesting experience for sure, but I wouldn’t say that it would be a terrible thing. It would have it’s funny moments, and there would never be a dull one. I would rather walk with that 4 year old and answer his questions than I would walk with an adult and talk about Las Vegas Real Estate the whole time. Yea, give me the 4 year old any day.

Tags: humor, News

Amazing footage of a high speed chase and apprehension / shooting of some nutcase who decided he would run from the law. And try to run over the officers who were chasing him.

The video is at this link.  http://www.officer.com/videonetwork/index.jsp?showid=378811

Just a warning, the footage is 100% real. The death is 100% real. It gets pretty intense and it’s not for the faint of heart.

Here is a quote of the news report.

www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20478849/ - Full text below

BLUE ASH, Ohio - One man is dead and two officers are injured after an overnight chase and shooting. Police said an officer tried to pull over a car on Cornell Road near Sycamore High School for driving without lights just before 12:30 a.m.

The officer told dispatchers that he thought the Monte Carlo might be one stolen from Clermont County last week.

Officers said the driver of the car, Charles Wayne Bennett, tried to run over the officer, then raced away, turning onto Reed Hartman Highway.

As officers pursued the car at speeds up to 100 mph, they said Bennett rammed his car into a police cruiser, then hit a tree.

But when officers approached on foot near Cooper Road, police said, Bennett drove the car at them again and continued down Reed Hartman as police fired on the car.

“The vehicle was being used as a weapon,” said police Capt. James Schaffer.

After another collision, the car stopped again, and an officer attempted to arrest Bennett. When Bennett tried to hit the officer with the car, the officer ended up on the car’s hood and fired twice, hitting Bennett at least once.

Bennett, 37, was taken to Bethesda North Hospital, where he was pronounced dead.

Blue Ash police said two officers suffered injuries in the chase.

One officer was treated and released, while the other is still undergoing treatment.

A passenger in Bennett’s car was hit by flying glass, but was not seriously hurt.

Neighbor Daryl Black, 28, said hed gotten a ride to Walgrees with Bennett, who he said went crazy when police turned on their lights.

“Im screaming at him, Get me out of this car — you’re going to cost me my life, Black said.

The man said he tried to wrest the steering wheel from Bennett, who Black said punched him in the face during the struggle.

Police said three officers fired on Bennett, who officers said had a criminal history of drug trafficking.

It was a shame that Wayne had to lose his life over something so stupid, Black said.

One officer was treated and released at the hospital, and a second was treated at the scene, police said. Two police cruisers were heavily damaged, police said.

The three officers who fired shots were put on paid administrative leave, under department policy. Schaffer didn’t release their names, but said they are veteran officers

Tags: car chase, News, police, videos