Posts Tagged “God”

Every morning, I get out of bed and blow my nose. It’s a horrendous mess of snot and blood that nearly exceeds what can be held by a tissue. Sometimes it takes two.

Every morning, after emptying my mucous laden nostrils, I look at what just came out. It’s just a quick peek before I toss the slimy, wet mess into the trash can.

And every time, I am grossed out.

Why? WHY? WHY do I do this?!What about you?

Do you peek? And for the love of God, WHY?

After careful consideration and a couple months of discussion with the wife, I have decided to get a vasectomy. It is scheduled for today.

I went for the consult about a month ago. I had to pee in a cup, and was put in a room to wait on the doctor. Upon arrival, he immediately told me to get undressed so he could check out the goods.

“My GOD, you have a tremendous penis!” is what I thought he would say, but he didn’t. He kind of snickered and walked out of the room. I think I overheard him laughing with a nurse…something about never seeing such a tiny thing. He must have been talking about someone else.

He has me lie on the table and begins to feel around my sack. Then he grabs my hand and directs my finger to feel my vans deferens. He holds my hand again while we feel the other side.

He begins to explain to me exactly what he is going to do, and how he is going to do it. He describes in detail what I should feel during and after the surgery.

Dr.: “It’s important for you to know that you won’t be sterile until 12 to 16 weeks after the operation.”

Me: “Why’s that?”

Dr.: “Because you’ll have live sperm in your system for that long. You need to ejaculate that sperm out before you’re sterile.”

Me: “Okay. Twelve to 16 weeks, huh?”

Dr.: “Yes.”

Me: “If I ejaculate a lot, will I be sterile sooner?”

Dr.: “Yes.”

Me: “I bet I can get it done in a week.”

Dr.: “Sigh.”

I opt for the Valium, and he gives me a prescription for three of them.

I can hardly wait…