Posts Tagged “fart”

I would like to further our discussion from earlier in the week about various phrases and idioms that we hear or used to hear when we were kids.

I’ll get this party started as best I can.

For Sneezing, I have heard (and I’m sure there are many more):

• Bless You
• God Bless You
• Gesundheit!
• “Bless us and save us, said Old Mrs. Davis”

When you are hot, or it is hot outside:

• Hotter’n two rats fucking in a wool sock!
• Hotter’n the hubs on a merry-go-round.
• Sweatin’ like a sow

When you are cold, or it is cold outside:

• It’s colder than blue blazes.
• It’s colder than a witches tit out here.
• Colder than a well diggers ass.

If you are nervous:

• I’m as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
• I’m as nervous as a queer at a wiener roast.

And a few more off the wall ones for good measure:

• That’s the best thing since sliced bread.
• You can’t polish a turd.
• You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.
• That’d go over like a fart in church.

I find it funny when I hear someone pronounce wash as “worsh”, or water as “whuter”.

I was out with some friends one time, and there was this smokin’ hot girl walking by. Not your everyday pretty girl, this girl was b-e-a-utiful in every since of the word. My buddy calmly said, “I’d drag my balls through a mile of broken glass just to hear her fart over a walkie talkie.” That’s quality my friends, true quality. (I think he was pretty doped up on orovo detox.)

So what about you? Tell me what strange phrases and words you love, or hate.

Tags: Best Thing Since Sliced Bread, Blue Blazes, Broken Glass, Detox, fart, Good Measure, Hot Girl, Hubs, Phrases And Idioms, Pretty Girl, Rocking Chairs, Silk Purse, Strange Idioms, Tailed Cat, True Quality, Turd, Utiful, Walkie Talkie, Wiener Roast, Witches, Wool Sock

Random Unrelated Image: Redneck Tree Swing

On the eve of my departure from High School way back in 1997 my family took me out to dinner at Outback Steakhouse. After a wonderful dinner we drove home and discussed the coming months and my plans for the future. Because of the deeply seasoned cooking that Outback uses, I, as a result passed gas, emitting a horrible smell into the small car chamber, which contained my Mother and Father up front and my girlfriend and I in the back. The smell spread across the car (which had the very best auto insurance that money can buy ’cause my dad is just like that) like a tormented spirit. My girlfriend began screaming at me, knowing instantly it was mine. She scrambled to reach for the handle to open the window, clutching her hand tightly over her mouth and nose. It was too late. She had already vomited all over the backseat, and more importantly, on her own two feet. She was wearing sandals.

This happened so quickly my Mother wasn’t really sure what was going on in the backseat. In the midst of the veritable maelstrom of movement and smell my mother realized the problem. She whipped her head around to reprimand me. In this very action she inhaled a mouth full of my repugnant stench and let out a terrible scream. My mother screamed at my father to pull the car over, he did so without hesitation. My mother swung open her door and also began to vomit all over the side of the road. I began to chuckle to myself.

The chuckle became a laugh, and then evolved into a maniacal belly laugh, much like that of an evil villain in a movie. I rejoiced happily in the beautiful bit of wind breaking virtuosity I had just preformed. Hearing the noises coming from me, my mother in a red eyed fury with vomit dripping from her mouth screamed teary eyed the following statement: “You little shit ass, I’m going to kill you…you think this is funny?!?!!” I bent my head down, defusing my laugh in my hand. My girlfriend sat in silence staring at me. The car was silent. I peered through my fingers seeing my father in front of me with his head resting on the steering wheel, making a slight hammering motion with it against the wheel. With all eyes glaring at me the only noise that could be heard was the sound of my father hitting his head upon that wheel. My Mother gestured to my father to continue driving with a sharp extension of her arm like some kind of German dictator. My Father put the car in drive and we continued are home in complete silence.

And that is the fart incident of 1997.

Tags: fart, gross, stinky