The needle is 21 gauge, 1.5in. A hogsticker. Forty of them arrived in a package from Greece. Ever received a package from overseas? You get that puff of air when you rip it open - air that’s traveled thousands of miles. Foreign, like stepping into a stranger’s house. An interesting set of travel supplies indeed. The syringe wrapper has instructions in Italian, French, Greek and Arabic - not a word of English. But it’s a needle. Operation is self-explanatory. I had put them out on my work desk a few days ago - an unignorable fact. An invitation. A threat.

Buck up, laddie. Fortune favours the brave.

What’s inside looks like oily urine. 1cc of Equipoise - a veterinary drug normally injected into beef cattle - and 2cc of Testosterone Cypionate: 10 times the testosterone a man my size produces naturally in a week.

It was going into my backside; plenty of meat there. But the sciatic nerve radiates from my hips; plus, if I hit a vein I could go into cardiac collapse. I tucked a bag of frozen corn beneath my underwear to numb the injection site. The hash marks on the syringe were smudged away by my sweaty hands. That couldn’t be a sign of quality medical equipment, could it?

What if I died in this shitty apartment in Iowa City? I pictured the landlord stumbling upon my body, rotten and bloated. The newspaper headline: Dumbshit Canadian Found Dead with Needle in Ass.

After looking at ellipticals for an hour or so, I had nothing better to do, so I figured I would make a few de-motivational posters at despair.com. If you’ve never made any demotivators, you should try it out. It’s great fun, and before you know a couple of hours have passed. Feel free to link to your favorite demotivators in your comments. Or, create your own and put a link up to them.

Fact or Fiction?

The model ape used in the 1933 movie ‘ King Kong ‘ was 18 inches tall.

Dorris Day began her career as a dancer, and only began singing when she broke her leg.

The statue ‘ The thinker ‘ by Rodin is actually a portrait of the Italian poet Dante.

Lord Byron had a club foot.

There are over 30 000 verses in the Bible.

The Eskimo language has over twenty words to describe different kinds of snow.

William Shakespeare married Anne Hathaway on 27 November 1582, he was 18 at the time.
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The police chief who shot himself in the ankle was waving a loaded pistol and being careless, according to two students who were attending his class to qualify for a concealed-weapons permit. “We were told the gun is the chief’s personal sidearm, but it looked to me like he didn’t know anything about the gun,” Lewis Walker said.

Bart Ulm, another student seeking certification to carry a concealed weapon, said he was surprised Chief Dave Hansen was using a loaded gun to show how it worked.

“Right then, I was very leery, because there’s no need to have live ammo in a gun in the class. But I figured he’s the chief, so he must know what he’s doing,” Ulm told the Standard-Examiner of Ogden.

Hansen held the Glock 40 under a table to disassemble it when a bullet fired, Walker said.

The chief cried, “I’m hit,” and fell over. Students who were screaming “Officer down!” were urged to call 911.

The gun went off in a conference room Saturday at Riverdale police headquarters.

Hansen was taken to McKay-Dee Hospital in Ogden for surgery and released Monday, Lt. James Ebert said.

Maybe next time they will do the gun safety outside on the playground near the swing sets and monkey bars. Not that it would be any safer, but the kids could focus on something else besides someone who doesn’t know what they are doing.

WOMAN’S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to “how big is my behind?”
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN’S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store, a golf course, and a set of Callaway irons. This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t care.