Archive for January, 2008

You should have some mortgage life insurance before climbing aboard this thing. Those antlers are as sharp as spikes, and they could easily pierce your skin. And seeing as what I like to call “common sense” warning labels are now placed on everything, I can already imagine this one. “Warning! Do not jump on trampoline while whitetail deer are underneath. Antlers may cause injury or death.”

One of the main reasons I am enjoying working out on my new elliptical is the energy boost that comes when I am done. I guess that it is just because of the exercise, but that boost wakes me up and makes me feel revived for a few hours.

I was doing my usual routine on the elliptical over the weekend. I had the television on in the bedroom where I was working out. The volume was low so I didn’t disturb anyone (the elliptical makes no noise). I was startled by a loud bang / pop that sounded like someone popping a brown paper bag that was full of air. This sound was immediately followed by shrieks of pain, several nasty curse words, and ultimately some whimpering, whining, and crying.

I stopped my workout short and ran to see what was going on. I found my wife in the floor holding her foot and trying not to cry. I asked her what happened, then I noticed that the baby gate looked as if someone had kicked it across the room. She had stepped over it just fine with her first foot, but the second foot was a few inches shy of clearing it. Her pinky toe had slammed into the top of the gate causing all sorts of problems. One of which was a broken toe…

It turned a lovely shade of purple in only a few minutes. She can barely stand on it now, so there will be no elliptical exercise for her for a few days / weeks. The worst part about it… ?  She broke this same toe about 2 years ago when she was walking through the kitchen and kicked the kitchen table leg..heh.

I’m shoveling snow off the roof of my house the other day, and I’m adjusting the ladder when suddenly I get that “you should probably look up” feeling that you get just before something bad is about to happen. As I look up into the sky, I see my shovel tumbling from the rooftop fifteen feet above…” Apparently, balancing the shovel on the edge of the gutter wasn’t as stable as I had thought. Go figure… large object + slanted roof + gravity = potential concussion.

Because of the cat-like reflexes that I have honed over my 28 years, I was able to move my head slightly to the right while simultaneously screeching “Holy crap!” A lesser man would have only been able to accomplish one of those tasks. In my younger days, I’d be able to estimate the amount of force that the shovel had as it impacted my left shoulder, but I have taken that part of my brain which used to store physics equations and filled it with more important things… like where to find rare movie posters. I can tell you that it hit me with enough force to knock me to one knee. However, like any adult male, I quickly jumped back to my feet and brushed off my shoulder, in case anyone happened to be watching me.

Of course, when I tell the story about the bruised shoulder to anyone else, it’s going to involve saving a baby from a runaway Dodge Neon, or maybe getting an old lady’s purse back from a band of rogue pirates. People always love stories about pirates…

A ‘heads up’ for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.

Here’s how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. And three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. Luckily, they overlooked my Nike golf clubs.

So warn your friends to be careful.

We recorded American Idol on Monday and were watching it last night. The horrible “I Love Rock & Roll” montage came on and Abby started dancing. She takes these dancing spells fairly often now, and I am always trying to catch it on video. For once, I was in the right place at the right time.

Unfortunately, she doesn’t dance much better than the people in the background sing!

[youtube]CPHe63-JdJs[/youtube]