Archive for January, 2008

My wife and I don’t go out to eat all that often. The majority of our dinners are spent sitting on the couch, trying to keep our daughter occupied and watching whatever we recorded on our DVR the night before. We had some family was in town just a few weeks ago. They didn’t enjoy our dinner ritual as much as we do, so we spent a lot of nights eating out. One night in particular, we all went out to the Outback Steakhouse.

Once we were all seated at the table, the waiter came by and took our drink order. I never did catch his name, so for the purposes of this tale, we’ll call him “John”. John started at the other end of the table, and as he spoke, I definitely got the vibe that John may… well… enjoy the company of other men. I wasn’t getting a “Liberace in a sequined jumpsuit” strength vibe… more like a “have you ever noticed that cousin Tom never brings a girl to Thanksgiving dinner” type of feeling. Why do I mention the possible sexuality of our server? It will all become clear pretty soon…

After we all order our drinks, John heads off to get them and put in our spinach and artichoke dip order. I start to look over the menu, and I decide to get a steak. The one I want in particular is called the “Outback Special”, and since I was hungry, I figured I’d get the 12 ounce. I closed my menu and started up a conversation with my father.

John came back and started to take our order. When it was my turn to order, I loudly proclaimed “Yes, I’d like your 12 inch special.” Oh yeah… Freud would have been proud.

I tried my best to play it off by saying “That was silly… I mean the 12 OUNCE special…”, but there’s really no recovering from something like that. I made eye contact with my wife, who, God bless her, was doing her best to maintain her composure. I refused to turn around and make eye contact with John… I just quietly closed my menu and passed it over my shoulder to him. Luckily the rest of my family was either too preoccupied or too innocent to realize what I had just said…

It goes like this:

The researcher leads a pre-school (age 4 or 5) child into a room. In the room there is a pedestal and a large, tasty marshmallow.

The researcher tells the child “you can eat the marshmallow whenever you want. But, if you wait until after I get back, you will be allowed to eat two marshmallows!”

The researcher now leaves the room.

This being a science experiment, they recorded what the children did.

Some of the children ate the marshmallow before the door closed on the researcher.

Some of the children walked up to the marshmallow, handled it, sniffed it, and agonized over not being able to eat it.

Coping strategies varied — one child even went to sleep on a mattress.

Others didn’t have much of a problem ignoring the marshmallow.

Apparently, about 1/3 ate the marshmallow, 1/3 had serious issues resisting, but managed, and 1/3 had no problem resisting.

They came back and looked at the study participants years and years later. The children who had the least problem delaying their gratification had were showing signs of becoming much more successful than the children who had problems, or who couldn’t resist eating the marshmallow.

So, here is the question. Do you think you could have resisted the marshmallow?

I find it amazing how we can all view the world in different ways. A lack of understanding can give one a totally different perspective!

True Story.

The wife and I were going to the grocery store over the weekend and there was a State Police sitting near the sidewalk. It was a K-9 unit, and the dog was in the back seat. There was a woman and a small boy getting out of a vehicle that had Wilmington real estate posters all over it. They ended up in front of us on the sidewalk. As they approached the officer, the boy leaned over toward her and asked “Ma’am, is that a dog in your car?”

“Why yes it is” she responded.

With a very serious look on his face the kid asked, “What did he do to get arrested?”

I immediately burst into laughter while the boys mother glared at me. Hey, it was funny! If my daughter would have asked that, I would have laughed just as hard…. maybe even harder.

I was searching for used cisco at work today and I found this article. It makes for a great read!

This is based on a lot of research. You’ll want to know this.

There are 28 days in a womans menstrual cycle. This cycle is what really determines how things go between you and her. For example, on Day 24 you should learn to duck. I talked to sex experts and discovered how the hormonal fluxes in a woman’s body affect her moods-and your life-throughout the month. Now I have a handy schedule for you to consult when you want to know which days you’re going to have sex, which days your going to get yelled at, and which days your going to get yelled at during sex.

DAY 1 TO 5: She’s ready to iron and fold
What’s happening to her: She may complain of cramps a few days before this, but this is where the cycle really starts. Her estrogen levels are dropping, so there’s only a 2% chance she’ll get pregnant if you have sex. That would be great news, except you won’t be having sex right now. Thanks to those low estrogen levels, she currently sees you as a large lump of cells in a stupid shirt.
Your strategy: Lack of estrogen can also trigger insomnia and restlessness, which is why many women feel the urge to clean and organize during these days, says Christine Northrup, M.D., author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom (I read it so you wouldn’t have to). My suggestion: Forget about sex and point her to the clothes.

DAYS 6 TO 9: She’s up for anything
What’s happening to her: She’s calmer and happier now because her body is saturated in feel-good hormones and endorphins. “That means she’s more receptive to new and creative ideas,” says Northrup.
Your strategy: Break out the new and creative ideas! This is the time to settle old disputes and get buy-in on your golf trip with the guys.

DAYS 10 TO 14: She’s horny.
What’s happening to her: A rise in the hormone androgen has rekindled her interest in sex. This causes the thin lining of mucus around her cervix-deep inside her at the entrance to the uterus-to become thin and watery.
Your strategy: Your woman’s so ready, you may not need more than a few minutes of foreplay. “Set the mood in a few seconds by telling her how much you want to have sex with her,” says Tara Roth Madden, author of Romance on the Run–Quality Sex for Bust Couples. Your pants should be off before you finish the sentence.

DAY 15: She’s really horny
What’s happening to her: On the positive side, she CRAVES sex because she’s at her most fertile. On the negative side, the sex doesn’t necessarily have to be with you. Research shows she’s more likely to be unfaithful during this time. In one study, researchers observed 500 women in nightclubs and found that they were more likely to wear revealing clothes and send suggestive signals to men in this phase of their cycle. Naturally, the researchers still went home alone.
Your strategy: Don’t let her out of the house by herself. Instead, take advantage of her adventurous mood by trying a new position or location.

DAYS 16 TO 23: She’s a lesbian
What’s happening to her: Her estrogen level is dropping again, so she’s less fertile. Research shows that during these 8 days, she’s more attracted to feminine-looking men because they appear more nurturing (as I call it, the Justin Timberlake factor). She’s no longer looking for a strong man to provide sturdy genes and protection.
Your strategy: Shave and put on some Melissa Etheridge.

DAYS 24 TO 28 She could crack at any moment
What’s happening to her: Estrogen continues to fall as tantrum-provoking progesterone rises. This leads to premenstrual syndrome, during which she’ll be extra sensitive to criticism, more neurotic about her looks, and more likely to throw a fit, or a Crock-Pot.
Your strategy: Play tennis or go run with her-vigorous exercise can reduce her symptoms. That way, if she “feels fat”, at least she’s doing something about it.

DAYS 26 TO 28: She’s craving ice cream and jelly beans
What’s happening to her: Her estrogen and progesterone levels are falling as her body prepares to start the cycle all over again. Low estrogen causes her to crave high-fat foods such as chocolate, which studies show can elevate mood.
Your strategy: Indulge her cravings by taking her out to eat rather than bringing home some Ben & Jerry’s. Reason? She’ll eat the whole tub and blame you for letting her do it.

Memorize this.

It was the wife and I. She started it though…I was telling the truth!

It’s old, I know. But I couldn’t resist the temptation.

Speaking of temptation and wives, mine recently bought some fine lingerie that was supposed to be a surprise for Valentines day. It came in the mail, and being the snoop that I am, I opened the box. I quickly put it back in there and pretended like I never saw anything….