Archive for October, 2007

I usually keep my Halloween costume a secret until I put it on and show it off on Halloween night. This year however, I just can’t resist letting everyone know what I am going as. This may be one of the scariest costumes I have ever put over my head. The children will run screaming for their houses. Parents will slam their doors in my face….

I present to you, my Halloween costume for 2007.

The Wacko Jacko. Guaranteed to scare the old and young alike.

Before Marriage…

She: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
He: Do you want me to leave?
She: HELL NO! Don’t even think about it.
He: Do you love me?
She: Of course! Over and over!
He: Have you ever cheated on me?
She: HELL NO! Why are you even asking?
He: Will you kiss me?
She: Every chance I get!
He: Will you cheat on me?
She: Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person!
He: Can I trust you?
She: Yes.
He: Darling!

After marriage… simply read from bottom to top.

• The word “Boondocks” comes from the Tagalog (Filipino) word “Bundok,” which means mountain.

• The “ZIP” in Zip Code stands for “Zone Improvement Plan.”

• Yucatan, as in the peninsula, is from Maya “u” + “u” + “uthaan,” meaning “listen to how they speak,” what the Maya said when they first heard the Spaniards.

• Pocahontas appeared on the back of the $20 bill in 1875.

• Turnips turn green when sunburnt.

If you have ever lived here in West Virginia, pr maybe even if you have came to visit, you have probably realized that we love our guns. Pistols, shotguns, rifles, BB Guns, dart guns, blow guns, if it has “gun” in the name, we are quite fond of it.

I own a few guns, and consider myself a semi-avid hunter. I have been very successful in my hunting adventures and plan to keep it that way. I have NOT ever kept a loaded gun under my bed. Except for that one time… but we won’t talk about that right now.

This “commercial” has me intrigued. Have a look:

Now I know that some people are overly paranoid, and this would be a good Christmas gift for them. I also know from taking concealed weapons permit classes that it is perfectly legal to shoot someone that makes their way into your home under the cover of darkness. But please, don’t take my word for it and murder someone.

Is there really a need for this device? Is a shotgun under your bed not enough? What happens if your a lucid dreamer like I am, and I roll out of bed onto the gun in the holder? The round may go off, hit me right in the chest, and I will lay there and bleed to death, murdered suicided accidentally shot by myself the gun in the holder.

If anyone reading this is planning on buying me one of these for Christmas, please don’t. If needed, I will just put the shotgun back under the bed.

You think that Guiness show is annoying and revolting? Do a bit more research and,well……………just read on:

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED

Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991 (assuming U.S. pints, that’s roughly 0.8 L or almost a whole milk bag. Can you say gang bang? Can you say EEEWWW!!!). Gee, I wonder which cesspool of disease recently got named the AIDS poster child? That, and consider the possibility that she didn’t get “it” all down on the first “shot” and……..oh, never mind).

LONGEST PUBES

Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina (talk about flossing yer teeth when performing………well, I’m sure you can extrapolate from here).

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH

Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina (this, for the uniformed, is what one calls a loose, sloppy **insert vulgar label for female genitalia here**).

ZITS

In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch (only the English, only the English. Don’t even begin to think of what his back-nee, or butt-nee must have been like. Like, what did the guy do to get a zit this big? Smear pig grease all over his face for a month?).

WORST DRINK

The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac (safely drunk?!? Aphrodisiac?!? More like a Fear Factor dare if ya ask me).

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL

This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a ‘C*nt Pump’ (I’ve, um, “heard” that it’s not bad. Oh, hush up ).

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN

Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a ’substantial’ amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph

LONGEST TURD

The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American who, produced a ’staggering turd’ over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state (any coincidence Taco Bell is headquartered there? Ever hear of a grain product called bran there, buddy?

MOST PROLONGED FART

Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds (forget the WWI German gases or Saddam! FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, WHATEVER YA DO DON’T LIGHT A MATCH!!! Can you imagine the blue angel off that one? Large enough to thaw friggin’ Siberia).

Pretty nasty stuff there huh? I wonder which ones if any are true? I really don’t believe that anyone could store enough gas in there intestines to fart for almost 3 minutes. But if you could, I bet you would feel mighty relieved after the fact!