Archive for August, 2007

• A ‘jiffy’ is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

• Impotence is legal grounds for divorce in 24 American states.

• Armadillos have four babies at a time, always all the same sex. They are perfect quadruplets, the fertilized cell split into quarters, resulting in four identical armadillos.

• Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

• An apple, onion, and potato all have the same taste. The differences in flavor are caused by their smell. To prove this - pinch your nose and take a bite from each. They will all taste sweet. (Do this while standing under a wall sconce with a mistletoe hanging on it and get extra credit!)

An English professor wrote the words: “A woman without her man is nothing” on the chalkboard and asked his student to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote: “A woman, without her man, is nothing.”

All of the females in the class wrote: “A woman: without her, man is nothing.”

Punctuation is powerful!

Ann Landers challenged her readers to come up with the world’s third-biggest lie — right after “The check is in the mail” and “I’m from the government and I’m here to help you.” Here is a sampling from the thousands she received:

- “It’s a good thing you came in today. We only have two more in
stock.”

- “Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height.”

- “You made it yourself? I never would have guessed.”

- “Of course I’ll respect you in the morning.”

- “You don’t look a day over 40.”

- “Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an apartment of my own so I can have some peace and quiet when I study.”

- “It’s delicious, but I can’t eat another bite.”

- “The new ownership won’t affect you. The company will remain the same.”

- “Your hair looks just fine.”

- “Put away the map. I know exactly how to get there.”

- “You don’t need it in writing. You have my personal guarantee.”

OK, actually the above is a joke, but I wonder if you could suggest any more good lies?

Not just any woman, mind you, but my wife in particular. She wears a certain perfume that really turns me on. This is a top secret perfume, and apparently a rare one. She only wears it on occasion, and she has never told me the name or manufacturer. What makes this such top secret info, I may never find out, but one thing is for sure…I absolutely love that smell!

I can smell her across the room when she wears it, and I am immediately drawn to her like a bee is drawn to a dew laced flower in the early morning twilight. My eyes focus on her, but I can’t quite stare, and I can’t quite turn away. My body moves toward her, and I can’t stop it. She evokes sensual thoughts with every blink of her eyes. The attraction scares me to death.

Sometimes the headline of a story can just grab your attention and force you to read it’s story. This is one of those articles.

A dwarf performer at the Edinburgh fringe festival had to be rushed to hospital after his penis got stuck to a vacuum cleaner during an act that went horribly awry.

Daniel Blackner, or Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf, was due to perform at the Circus of Horrors at the festival known for its oddball, offbeat performances.

The main part of his act was for him to appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member with a special apparatus.

The attachment broke before the performance and Blackner tried to fix it using extra-strong glue, but unfortunately let it dry for only 20 seconds instead of the 20 minutes required.

He then joined it directly to his organ. The end result? A solid attachment, laughter, mortification and … hospitalization.

“It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed A&E with a vacuum attached to me,” Blackner said.

“I just wished the ground could swallow me up. Luckily, they saw me quickly so the embarrassment was short-lived.”

via SMH